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Posts Tagged ‘tired’

I’m tired. Tired to the core. It doesn’t matter that I’ve had two nights of a solid 8 hours of sleep. The weariness paralyzes me from tackling any big chores around the house. I know depression is knocking at my door but hasn’t quite taken a full hold on me yet. The lack of energy and inability to act on my motivation to get things done is a warning that depression is on my doorstep and is waiting to make an entrance. It’s frustrating because there is so much I want to get done. I have a basic weekly routine and I’m unable to follow it today. So I will work on the little things with the hope that my inertia is brief.

There is a tendency for me to feel guilty for my lack of accomplishment but I keep telling myself that at least I can pay attention to the smaller details for now, getting the house tidier than it already was. The big things will get done tomorrow or in the near future. This is a battle I don’t need to beat myself up over. Guilt accomplishes nothing but fostering a lack of self worth and I don’t want or need that.  I’ll be kind to myself, do what I can, and wait for better days.

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I’ve recently decided to undertake the mission of losing weight. I’m supposed to start today and already I’ve failed. I just don’t have the focus or willpower. Why? I’m battling feelings of wanting to die. Not suicidal, just the feelings of the need to escape life for a while.

I feel like there are two opposites of me in my body. The one is rational and logical; the other is feelings/emotionally driven. The rational me knows that the feelings and emotions are driven by a lie—I don’t really want to die.   The emotional me is trying to drag me down into a dark pit and tells me there is nothing worth living for, there’s no hope for a normal life and I don’t want to have to deal with people or my having to put on a normal face. It’s as though my bipolar brain is attempting to kill me with all these dark thoughts. But I’m not really depressed—just very tired. We had houseguests for 5 days and now that they’re gone I feel fairly spent. I know that the tiredness is behind all this negativity and I won’t let it take me down. I know how to deal with it and I’m remaining at a stable normal level mood-wise in spite of all of this.

I won’t burden myself with guilt over failing my mission to lose weight already. I’ll deal with getting rested and getting my thoughts and emotions in order. Once that’s done I’ll be in a good, strong frame of mind to tackle my eating habits.

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Mid-week, Wednesday and as usual, I’m worn out.  I left work 2 hours early yesterday since I could no longer focus and was unable to accomplish anything else.  This morning, I just felt stiff and achy all over and couldn’t face another day at the office.  So, I called in.  That just isn’t like me.  Prior to depression, I would push myself in no matter how awful I might feel.  Nothing would stop me from fulfilling my responsibilities for which I am being paid.  I’d go in with a fever, with pain, you name it.  Now I feel totally irresponsible and guilty that I’m letting everyone down.  I just don’t have the will to push myself anymore.  I want a break, a reprieve from being the responsible one.  It sounds childish to me, but my mind and emotions are screaming inside to let everything go–that my mental health must finally be the number 1 priority for a change.  I’ve had plenty of sleep but sleep keeps breaking into my wakefulness.  Don’t know what to do.  Can’t wait to see Doc again.

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