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Posts Tagged ‘spirituality’

What I am about to share is my perspective on life and how it helps me.  I’ve not shared this with you before but it’s had a big impact on me lately and I though I should share what is the core of what helps me with my bipolar life.

I’ve been reading a book with a friend called “Crazy Love” by Frances Chan. It’s about God’s great love for us. The book starts out showing us how infinitesimally small we are compared to the vast universe, that God created the universe and how small it is compared to Him. So now try to imagine how small we are compared to God yet he cares about us. He sent His Son, Jesus, to die for our sins so that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life with him after we die on this Earth. All He wants is my love and obedience, that I should worship Him instead of my stuff and accomplishments. My power to achieve is feeble compared to God’s. And it is He who gave me the abilities I have to accomplish anything. So who do I think I am when I get all proud and puffed up about my achievements and leave God out of the equation. In fact sometimes I forget about Him altogether.  I walk around planning where I am going to, how I will make a living, how  I will go about my business as though I am going to live forever with no thought about the possibility I could die tomorrow or even today. The Bible describes our life as a vapor, here now and gone in an instant.

A question posed in the book Is why do we get stressed and anxious. If we truly trust God is all-knowing and all-powerful then why do we get stressed and anxious. The answer is simple–I’m  still trying to control my life in my own power which is sorely lacking.  I need to get off of the throne of my heart and let God take His rightful place there. He will give me the order I need in my life. He will display His power in me and through my life.  The Bible tells us to be anxious for nothing. I have nothing to fear.

The major part of my anxiety is induced by my illness, bipolar disorder. It’s sort of a chemical short-circuit in my brain affecting my moods causing them to be extremely high or extremely low with anxiety thrown in as well. My doctor was able to help control the mood swings and anxiety with meds. Any anxiety I experience beyond that is my own making and I have to give it to God and trust Him to help me in every situation.  And He does.
Only His strength is sufficient for me, my own strength is feeble. I’m glad to have God as my rock and He has blessed me with so much. I have a faithful, loving and supportive husband, three wonderful sons, two wonderful daughters-in-law and two precious grandsons. I have a church family who loves me just the way I am. I know that I am truly blessed in a myriad of ways.
It’s been a long day. We left home at 10:00 am to go to church. After church we did some food shopping. We didn’t get home until almost 4:00 pm. The depression seems to be lifting. It’s been a good and productive day.

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It’s day 2 on the road and I sit now in a motel feeling a bit lonely.  Hubby and my dog are both asleep.  I am contemplating the idea that tomorrow we will arrive at our home in Florida.  New York is no longer home for us.  We are now Floridians by choice.  I can’t shake the feeling that we are just on another vacation.  We retired just days ago.  We’ve thrown out and packed up 36 years worth of stuff over the past few weeks preparing for this day.  Now its here and my mind just can’t take it in.

I’m looking forward to having the time to actually sort through boxes of pictures and putting them in some kind of order.  Creating scrapbook pages for special milestones in our family members lives, sewing curtains, placemats and decorative items for our home.  I also see myself getting involved with a new church when we finally find one to call our church home.  I’d like to find a cause that ignites passion in me and volunteer my time.

I hope to find a new purpose for my life in this chapter of my life.  I know my husband has similar feelings.  My psychiatrist (pdoc) gave me a homework assignment for when we arrived in our new home–read “The Purpose Driven Life”.  He told me, “You do have a purpose to fulfill now and you will find it.  Spend time in God’s word and in prayer.”  This is my intention so I will grow spiritually and do things that will matter for eternity, even if no one ever knows about my efforts.  It helps to stay unnoticed–there is less to interfere with one’s focus.

Right now, I need to focus on getting settled in.  I intend to enjoy this chapter of life full throttle.  I want to get past Social Phobia and truly enjoy people in any type of setting and not care about any criticism or whether or not they think I’m slightly odd.  I am who and what I am and I am learning to like myself with all my quirks.  I read a story once that a cracked pot can unintentionally water the ground surrounding it helping it’s portion of the Earth to grow beautiful flowers and green grass.  I want to be like that.  I have a medical issue that has changed me and I must constantly work hard to overcome it.  I could hate it but yet, because of it, I have learned life lessons that are invaluable.  So I embrace it as a blessing, hard won lessons that have permanently changed my outlook and me.  It has made me more sensitive to people facing serious physical and mental challenges in all areas of life.

I hope and pray that I can serve in some way to ease people’s fears and give them hope that they too can overcome their life challenges.  I want to inspire and motivate them to work at it because anything worthwhile requires an investment of time and energy–and each person IS worth it.  I want them to believe in themselves and in their abilities again.  And, if I can help them know God in the process, that would be the greatest gift of all


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