Assaulted by Noise

Noise. It’s all around us, some pleasant and soothing, and some that grates severely on our nerves.

 I’ve talked with several people who are bipolar and they all agreed that loud noise, harsh sounds, loud TVs or music, even movies or concerts, can actually become a trigger. They are sound sensitive.

 This is a major issue for me too. I avoid places that bombard my senses.  But I can’t avoid my home.  My husband loves action shoot-em-up movies, war movies, crime shows and he would always turn the volume up so he could hear all the details (he’s a bit hard of hearing). It drove me up the walls. I felt assaulted by the sounds. I would close myself up in another room and I could still hear it. A few hours of this would often set off some irritability (understandably normal), which could lead to a mood swing. I explained all this to my husband and, thoughtful man that he is, he decided there had to be a remedy so we could both be happy and entertained in the same room together.

 Headphones! My husband did some investigating and found quality wireless headphones, which allow him to hear everything even better.   And I don’t hear a thing so I can sit across from him and read in peace and quiet. We’re both happy with the solution.

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Lessons Learned from Dangerous Bipolar Depression

Two weeks ago, after spending 5 days following my psychiatrist’s directions to do absolutely nothing but relax, sleep and rest, my depression continued to rage and grow worse.  It’s never been that deep, dark and severely painful for so long.   It was now becoming dangerous.  I was exhausted and my coping skills were breaking down.  I wanted life to end and started noting what we had in the house to do so.  That’s when I knew I had to do something fast.  Something my husband and I had learned two years ago during a depression nearly as bad.

 The Benefits of a Safety Plan and a Pact

After the experience in 2012, my husband and I knew that, because of my being bipolar, a depression of this magnitude could happen again.  We remembered the anxiety he felt when he had to leave the house and I was alone. I remembered the fear of losing control as well as the fear of being hospitalized.  We had been exhausted and afraid because we didn’t have anything to guide us along.

 We put together a plan, a safety net:

1. I chose a hospital that has a satellite recovery center (treats psychiatric disorders as well as alcoholics and addicts).      I checked it out on the Internet and printed out the web page with their address and phone number.  I also made a second choice and printed it out just in case the first one is full.
2. I made a pact with my husband and psychiatrist that I would inform my husband when suicidal thoughts start becoming intense and could become impulses.
3. I made list of phone numbers that my husband would have to call (my psychiatrist’s office, my supervisor where I volunteer).
4. I tacked my little packet to my bulletin board so it could be easily found.

 Time to Go

Two and a half weeks ago, I kept my promise and told my husband that my skills were disintegrating and the suicidal thoughts were becoming dangerously close to impulses.  I didn’t want to go to the recovery center, but I knew we needed the assurance that I’d be safe.  My husband can’t, and shouldn’t have to, stand guard over me every minute of the day.  When would he sleep?   All it would take is one weak moment in that horrible suicidal depression to do irreversible damage.

I packed a couple of sets of clothes and we headed off to the hospital without anxiety.  We had all the information we needed at our fingertips to get to our destination.  My husband had the phone numbers he needed when he got back home.

Since it was necessary for me to go, I made up my mind that I was going to learn as much as I could for however long I had to stay instead of lamenting over the situation.  I would treat it as an education about bipolar disorder and myself.  Everyone experiences it differently.  This was an opportunity to pick the doctors’ brains.  Luckily, I had 2 psychiatrists who loved to educate patients who asked questions and wanted to learn.  And since I was learning from the doctors, I now have more information to empower me to ride the waves of bipolar.

Just Another Coping Skill – the last resort

I discovered that my Safety Plan was a coping skill of last resort, but a coping skill nonetheless.  It guided us through the emotional confusion when choices for my safety had to be made.  I was in a safe place of my choice with professionals who truly cared.  I received the treatment I needed to help relieve the depression.  My husband’s mind was put at ease.  The Safety Plan worked beautifully.  

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Moving and Change, Facing a New Life

It’s day 2 on the road and I sit now in a motel feeling a bit lonely.  Hubby and my dog are both asleep.  I am contemplating the idea that tomorrow we will arrive at our home in Florida.  New York is no longer home for us.  We are now Floridians by choice.  I can’t shake the feeling that we are just on another vacation.  We retired just days ago.  We’ve thrown out and packed up 36 years worth of stuff over the past few weeks preparing for this day.  Now its here and my mind just can’t take it in. 

I’m looking forward to having the time to actually sort through boxes of pictures and putting them in some kind of order.  Creating scrapbook pages for special milestones in our family members lives, sewing curtains, placemats and decorative items for our home.  I also see myself getting involved with a new church when we finally find one to call our church home.  I’d like to find a cause that ignites passion in me and volunteer my time.  I hope to find a new purpose for my life in this chapter of my life.  I know my husband has similar feelings.  My pdoc gave me a homework assignment for when we arrived in our new home–read “The Purpose Driven Life”.  He told me, “You do have a purpose to fulfill now and you will find it.  Spend time in God’s word and in prayer.”  This is my intention and I intend to grow spiritually and do things that will matter for eternity even if no one ever knows about my efforts.  It helps to stay unnoticed–there is less to interfere with one’s focus. 

Right now, I need to focus on getting settled in.  I intend to enjoy this chapter of life full throttle.  I want to get past Social Phobia and truly enjoy people in any type of setting and not care about any criticism or whether or not they think I’m slightly odd.  I am who and what I am and I am learning to like myself with all my quirks.  A cracked pot can unintentionally water the ground surrounding it helping it’s portion of the Earth to grow beautiful flowers and green grass.  I want to be like that.  I have a medical issue that has changed me and I must constantly work hard to overcome it.  I could hate it but yet, because of it, I have learned life lessons that are invaluable.  So I embrace it as a blessing, hard won lessons which have permanently changed me and my outlook.  It has made me more sensitive to people facing serious physical and mental challenges in all areas of life.  I hope and pray that I can serve in some way to ease people’s fears and give them hope that they too can overcome.  I want to inspire and motivate them to work at it because anything worthwhile requires their investment of time and energy–and each of them IS worth it.  I want them to believe in themselves and in their abilities again.  And, if I can help them know God in the process, that would be the greatest gift of all.

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Irresponsibility vs Responsibility – which is which?

Mid-week, Wednesday and as usual, I’m worn out.  I left work 2 hours early yesterday since I could no longer focus and was unable to accomplish anything else.  This morning, I just felt stiff and achy all over and couldn’t face another day at the office.  So, I called in.  That just isn’t like me.  Prior to depression, I would push myself in no matter how awful I might feel.  Nothing would stop me from fulfilling my responsibilities for which I am being paid.  I’d go in with a fever, with pain, you name it.  Now I feel totally irresponsible and guilty that I’m letting everyone down.  I just don’t have the will to push myself anymore.  I want a break, a reprieve from being the responsible one.  It sounds childish to me, but my mind and emotions are screaming inside to let everything go–that my mental health must finally be the number 1 priority for a change.  I’ve had plenty of sleep but sleep keeps breaking into my wakefulness.  Don’t know what to do.  Can’t wait to see Doc again.

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