Mid-week, Wednesday and as usual, I’m worn out. I left work 2 hours early yesterday since I could no longer focus and was unable to accomplish anything else. This morning, I just felt stiff and achy all over and couldn’t face another day at the office. So, I called in. That just isn’t like me. Prior to depression, I would push myself in no matter how awful I might feel. Nothing would stop me from fulfilling my responsibilities for which I am being paid. I’d go in with a fever, with pain, you name it. Now I feel totally irresponsible and guilty that I’m letting everyone down. I just don’t have the will to push myself anymore. I want a break, a reprieve from being the responsible one. It sounds childish to me, but my mind and emotions are screaming inside to let everything go–that my mental health must finally be the number 1 priority for a change. I’ve had plenty of sleep but sleep keeps breaking into my wakefulness. Don’t know what to do. Can’t wait to see Doc again.
Archive for June, 2008
Irresponsibility vs Responsibility – which is which?
Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, Uncategorized, tagged bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, frustration, guilt, guilty, irresponsibility, job, mental health, mood disorder, Priorities, responsibility, tired, work on June 4, 2008| Leave a Comment »
Anything Worthwhile Requires a Time Investment
Posted in Uncategorized, tagged change, changes, depression, drugs, help, medication, bipolar, side effects, medicine, need help, time, time wasters on June 3, 2008| Leave a Comment »
It’s morning here and I should be getting ready for work and I don’t want to go. I had a good sleep but I feel tired. There are thunderstorms heading this way so I could blame it on the weather but I know that’s not the whole truth. I’m tired of fighting the fight to get up each day and try to stay positive, to try not to be argumentative, to try to stay focused on each task before me. I’m tired of people interrupting me all day long during my workday asking questions about how to do their work when they keep taking me away from doing my own. I’m tired of working in an office known for not getting things done in a timely fashion and my suggestions to streamline getting kicked out the door. You either cut down on unecessary details that eat up huge blocks of time or nothing gets better. Well, the powers that be keep adding details which make my job harder. I’ve got 6-1/2 more months to go but I don’t know if I’ll make it there alive. I’m really down and all the positive thinking I try to do changes nothing. My doc says its the meds change and it will take time, that I need to monitor my thoughts and not look back. He says that it won’t be easy–it will be very hard. Well, he’s right about that. I need help and I don’t know where to get it or if anyone can help. Depression stinks.
I’m sorry for a sad post, but this is my reality. I do still wish you sunny days.
Finding Joy Again 